Stick to Re-Animating a Cold

My lips are dry…my shoulders hunched from the dull ache of a cold…my tummy filled with apple juice, white tea and Cold FX. I am fighting it…and I think it’s already on its way out. What a great time to take a hot shower and then cozy up on the couch with a blanket and watch some movies.

First up: From Alpha Home Entertainment’s “Cult Classics Collection”: Ted V. Mikel’s “The Corpse Grinders.” With a nonsensical tagline like “Turn bones and flesh into screaming, savage blood death!” how can you go wrong? This is 1971 film is about a couple of crooks that take over a cat food company and put it on the map by grinding up humans and canning them up for kitty. When cats get the taste for human flesh, they start turning on their masters and it’s up to a doctor and his nurse girlfriend to get to the bottom of things. The DVD cover would have you believe this to be a gruesome b-movie gore-fest with lots of gratuitous nudity. Not so lucky. It plays out like a low-budget TV movie, is almost completely free of gore (oh people get grinded up real good – but always off camera,) and not even the quickest nipple slip. Crap. I think it has made my cold worse.

Next: 1988’s “Flesh Eater.” This movie is directed by Bill Hinzman, written by Bill Hinzman, produced by Bill Hinzman, and stars…um…who’s in this crap-fest again? Oh yeah…Bill Hinzman. Just who is Bill Hinzman you ask? Well, zombie fans will know him as one of the most recognizable zombies (pictured above) from George Romero’s original “Night of the Living Dead.” despite the x-treme low budget, this movie delivers on the gore and even has some choice nudity…but alas has absolutely no plot, crap acting, the stooopidest reason for there being zombies, and is actually really boring. Even the gore and nudity lags. It is also hard to watch the Hinzman interview…he seems to have waaaay more ego than talent, and even sounds quite bitter towards the man who made him in the first place….the way more talented Romero. Hard to watch…and seems to be the anti-Cold FX.

Two misses so far…time to put on something that I know will be good. Perhaps a good ol’ Stuart Gordon movie. One of the Re-Animators, From Beyond, or Castle Freak. Perfect for scaring off a cold. Thank you Stuart for chasing Hinzman out of my aching brain.